Kate Maini

Out of the club was a whole other war zone. Anybody in there and injured was laid in the lawns, in the streets. There were like 100 cop cars. I remember going to the parking lot across the street with the cop and four other people who were injured. He told us to take our shirts off and tie them around anybody's wounds that had been shot. We did that, we took our socks off, tied them around. I remember turning left and seeing more people laying in the grass. Everybody's running around crazy, screaming, bleeding. I remember I was carrying somebody's shoes and shirt because I didn't want them to get left behind. For whatever reason. I remember looking down and they were covered in blood. I just dropped them. I remember carrying Stanley (Almodovar) to the pickup truck where they were shuttling people to the hospital. He's a regular of mine. He came in every Saturday. Drank gin and tonic every week. I said, Keep your eyes open, keep your eyes open, keep your eyes open. * I'll think of all of them (victims) and how we used to see them every week. And now they're not here. I still had their credit cards in my cup. You know, next to my computer at work. That was a thing for me. I don't know why. I thought it was so weird that they're no longer here and their credit cards are still by my little computer. I don't know why. I was the last, you know. I made their last drink. * I would get in my head so bad. I would replay from beginning of the night to the end, the sounds, smells, what I saw, what I heard. I would just kind of stare at the ground and not even realize I was doing it. It would just replay in my head, replay in my head. The hole. Not wanting to be around people, but feeling so lonely. Not wanting to get up, not wanting to get out of bed, not even wanting to like get in the shower. Everything. I didn't know what PTSD was. I thought this was just flashbacks kind of things. I detached from everybody, my family. Started drinking a lot more, wanting to be alone but not wanting to be alone. It felt like you had a lead suit on and you're just moving through the day. Heavy. * Are you okay?" Where's your head at right now? Do you want to talk? My friend Blue actually came up with the small town. I was on her back patio. We were talking about Pulse. I got caught in my head and was crying, I can't remember exactly when or when it was. Oh, you're looking at small town. You're in small town again. Small town? I don't even know what that means. When you space out and you look down and you get in your head. It’s like you're looking at a small town from far above. * It was my home. I mean I was there for 12 years. I worked with some of those people the entire time, and some of those people had been coming there for 12 years. I always describe it as feeling like your house burned down. Like Pulse is no longer there. Some of the people still are, but it's not the same and feels like your house burned down, you lost everything. It was home for a lot of people. * I had somebody come up to me yesterday. I was bartending. You know, you were like my therapist. You helped me so much. A lot of bartenders hear that. You have regulars and you are their therapist, and you do help them through things. And they help you through things. I miss that. It was a safe space for people. It was a smaller club. It was clean, it was fun. The energy was always good. We had the friendliest staff. It was just, it was home for a lot of people. You know. People miss it, I miss it. It's my family, it's my home. * I remember finding out later that Stanley’s name came up as one of the victims. I think about him all the time now because I helped carry him that night. He was always very nice. Stanley used to want all my limes all the time, it used to drive me crazy. I would always joke with him about it and give him shit for it. But it's those little things that you don't realize. That's what I think of now when I think of him all the time. He always took my limes and it drove me crazy. * There were times where you thought I wish I didn't make it out of there. I've gotten to a place where I don't feel that way anymore. When I go to small town now, I allow myself to go there for a minute and then I pull myself out. It's something that will always be in my head. There will always be triggers, but you know, I had to put it behind me. I had to move forward. Small town is fading, but not disappearing. It'll never be extinct, but it will fade. ******************************** Kate Maini is a survivor of the Orlando Pulse nightclub shooting. She was a bartender at Pulse for twelve years, and was tending bar on the night of the shooting. Instructions/Permissions *Interview edited and condensed for clarity *You may use an abridged or full version of interview at your discretion *Tag @dearworld on any social/digital use. We are @dearworld on Instagram/Twitter and we are at Facebook.c