Josean Garcia

We were friends since the seventh grade. We used to write our initials on everything. JAM. Josean. Amanda. Mercedes. In high school, everyone called us the hyenas. Because you could hear us from the lunch room laughing, hysterically. We started recruiting people. Mercedes recruited some people and I recruited some people. And it was a group of five or six of us: The hyenas. In 2008, we threw our senior year Halloween party. Amanda was wearing a Santa Clause, I mean a Mrs Clause costume. Mercedes was a vampire. I was one of the Jabbawockeez--the dancers. They were really popular back then. We were known for the biggest party. The next morning we ended up with the mess and it was a rental house. Mercedes said "nope” and she left. And then Amanda left. And then I was stuck with a few people cleaning and we found broken frames so we went to Walmart and bought frames that kinda looked like the same palm trees that we broke. And then the vertical blinds had juice everywhere and we had to buy new ones and we didn't know how to put them on. Then Amanda and Mercedes came and they helped me clean the floor. But that party was the most memorable party ever. We even had a flyer. I just found it the other day. It had all our faces on it. My face, Amanda's face, Mercedes, another best friend of ours in the hyenas, Amelia, Beran. I don't really want to be famous, but I have this huge music dream. I just love music. Amanda, and Mercedes were always, they were always there. They knew the songs, they knew the words. I had shows I performed live, they were there. They were front line, like in an army. They were always the first ones. That means the world to me. * I've went through a therapy and it was so intense because not only-- I guess it’s survivor's guilt That's what I've been told, I can’t even define it. I used to think, I can't believe I didn't go back. Because I ran after I was on the floor, and I scrambled out. I ran out, and I left. And sometimes I still think the craziest things. and I tell myself Snap out of it, snap out of it. What if I got shot? Would it hurt? What would I think? That runs through my mind all year long, on and off. And luckily, I mean, I haven't had any bad dreams, after the first month. The first month was the worst. I was in a relationship at the time, and I remember the next morning I would hear the story, do you remember last night? And I'd say no, what? You woke up screaming. And I ask like what do you mean, what happened, what did I do? You were screaming, you were sleeping, and you were shaking and crying. And I asked what did you do? I was holding you until you fell asleep. And I've heard that story like five times, but I don't remember it. * In April of last year my mom died of cancer, and I got to say goodbye to her. With Amanda and Mercedes--I didn't get to say goodbye to them. I’m writing a song, it’s called Fly Away. It’s my goodbye card to them. ****************** Josean Garcia is a survivor and friend of Amanda Alvear and Mercedes Flores, who died in the Pulse nightclub shooting Instructions/Permissions *Interviews are edited and condensed *Tag @dearworld on any social/digital use. We are @dearworld on Instagram/Twitter and we are at *Facebook.com/dearworld *Credit Dear World/Daymon Gardner for portrait