Alison Clarke

I had been an out lesbian before I went into the army. I went back into the closet for just over five years. Once I decided to come back to Orlando, I decided to come back as an out gay female. When I joined the Orlando Police Department (OPD), I was an out gay female. We have a couple out male officers. It made the environment a little more comfortable for me to be out and be who I am. I stopped at the intersection just north of the club. As we were running down the middle of Orange Avenue, a flood of survivors came running. They were panicked, crying. Teams started bringing victims from across the street. We just kicked in, setting up triage, started loading people up in any vehicle that we could find. Everything hit me when I was taking my uniform off. I was out of it. All the emotions just hit me. I actually worked at Pulse when it first opened. A handful of times, I worked as the off-duty officer. I've been there as a patron. I know how involved Pulse is within our gay community. I know how significant it is for our gay community. To stop short, look up, and see that Pulse logo, it was surreal for me because I'm like This is our club. This is our community. There's somebody in there that's targeting our community. * I went back to work the very next day. All of my gay friends that aren't law enforcement officers were going to all these events. They held vigils. They were all bonding together and grieving. It was difficult because I had to go right back to work. You go back into police mode and you're not able to have your ... to grieve like you should. It was a big part of my PTSD. Some of it came from resentment, not being able to grieve with my community. I’m married to another OPD officer. She wasn't an officer at the time, but she ended up joining our department. We have two wonderful sons. Now, we have also taken in my nephew, so we have three boys that we're raising. It's been an incredible journey. Part of my healing was to be part of OPD's truck in the Orlando PRIDE parade. We were there early, setting up. We live across the street. I remember looking across and they’re putting together the Pulse float. Those are the Pulse employees. I'm in uniform. It was probably 20 minutes before the parade. I made my way across the street into the sea of white t-shirts. I just randomly walked up to one of the employees and tapped them on the shoulder. Hey, you mind if I get a picture with you guys? They all looked at me in surprise. All of a sudden, all of these employees were surrounding me and they started to cry. They were hugging me. I said to them, I said, "I was one of the initial responders that night. This just means so much to me." They were all touched. They were all fighting to get pictures with me as well. To be a part of them. It was a brief moment, but it was healing. ***************************** Alison Clarke is an officer with the Orlando Police Department. She was one of the first responders on the scene the night of the Pulse nightclub shooting. Instructions/Permissions *Interviews are edited and condensed *Tag @dearworld on any social/digital use. We are @dearworld on Instagram/Twitter and we are at *Facebook.com/dearworld *Credit Dear World/Daymon Gardner for portrait