Rachele Kent

The moment the doctor tells you “there’s no heartbeat” will stay with a parent for the rest of their life. The immediate mental and physical reaction is unbearable. One minute earlier we were excited, giddy and full of hope for what that little baby would become. All of it shattered with zero warning. I now have to accept there’s a lifeless baby inside my body. The minutes and days following are dark, cold and confusing. You erase the due date from your calendar and what is left is a date you will never forget and a box of things you have to hide. My life is broken up into eras but one I was not planning on is the era before and the era after a miscarriage. Things that were once only sweet are now bittersweet - Pregnancy announcements. Birth of someone else’s child. Newborn photos. You’re more reserved. Less optimistic. The things you were doing and looking forward to for your unborn child now have to be erased, removed or hidden. I finally pick up the pieces. Get past the guilt. Find joy in whatever I can and start trying for another baby. For me, I am incredibly thankful that the phase of trying again didn’t last long. 3 very hard and emotional months later, we are pregnant again. Again a bittersweet moment. What should be pure joy and a moment I will never forget is actually painful and scary. What if we lose this one too? So many what if’s that it steals the joy. I protected my emotions, kept the excitement away and down played every milestone. Something I will later regret but that’s what loss does to you. It took a piece of my heart I never thought I could get back. Then my rainbow baby was born. The sigh of relief that came from my body when she was born healthy is one I will never forget. A physical release of the stress, worry, guilt and what if’s. Also a feeling I will never forget. There’s a piece of your heart that never fully heals after loss but the first moment I locked eyes with my rainbow baby, my heart was completely full!