Lesley Housden

When I was 12, my world changed forever. My dad left in a way that felt more like a storm than a goodbye. There were dark days marked by addiction, chaos, and memories no child should have to carry. The house held reminders of pain everywhere—portraits slashed through, suicide notes left behind, nooses hung in the closets, and a family trying to survive something none of us understood. My mom was dealing with her own heartbreak and loss, and emotionally, she wasn't always able to be there. As the oldest daughter, I stepped into the spaces everyone else left behind. I became the helper. The fixer. The caretaker. I learned that if I focused on everyone else's needs, I didn't have to feel my own. So I poured myself into friends, family, work, relationships—anywhere I could be useful. Being needed felt safer than being vulnerable. And, I was successful. For years, I lived that way. From the outside, I looked capable and strong. Inside, I was a scared little 12 year old stuck in time. Terrified of failing. Terrified of being abandoned. Terrified of truly living because living meant risking disappointment, loss, and hurt. Somewhere along the way, I realized I had become an expert at taking care of everyone except myself. I was afraid to live life to the fullest, sometime I find that I still am. Choosing me didn't happen overnight. It happened in small moments—setting a boundary, speaking up, resting without guilt, trusting myself, and asking what I needed instead of automatically asking what everyone else needed from me. What I'm learning now is that healing isn't a destination, it's a practice. The old patterns still call to me sometimes. The urge to over-give, over-function, and lose myself in other people's lives never fully disappears. But today, I recognize it when it shows up. So I come back to myself. I stay grounded. I keep growing. I keep choosing the life that once scared me. Because choosing me was never about becoming someone new. It was about finding the little girl who got lost trying to save everyone else—and finally letting her know she's worth saving, too. ❤️ It's actually kismet that this story comes up today to write out because I am going through great stress currently - partly from some of this unhealed trauma. I am being faced with needing to address these wounds rather than push it under the rug. I am still learning that I am not defined by these events in my past and that I can be lovable and to lean into love rather than run from it. I forgot myself again, so, thank you for reminding me that I just need me.